Posts Tagged ‘PA student’

Caterpillars are not particularly ferocious creatures. Slow and steady and according to my children, very hungry. I am not even sure that they make any noise at all. Or, come to think of it, have any teeth. They do their thing in their unassuming way and eventually make it to butterfly utopia. Silently and without bells or whistles, they make the world a more beautiful place. I have often marveled at the way passion can turn an otherwise quiet and unassuming human into a bull in a china closet. I am certain you have witnessed this phenomenon and it can happen to any of us. Once, while sitting in an ethics lecture some years back, a girl who I had never heard even speak suddenly found her voice and schooled the room about the seemingly double standard in the world regarding when life begins. Looking around, her point had not only been made, but her peers were blown away by the passion that was residing within her.

Advocates for many causes are much like the girl I just described. I remember a neighbor I had who loved animals. She always had a foster animal that she was rehabilitating for adoption. She would spend hours nursing the animal back to health. Once, I got up to go to the bathroom late at night only to glance out the window and see her sitting beneath a porch light picking fleas out of a sad lump of fur. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. For some people, it is animals or organic food. The environment or breast cancer or autism or homelessness. World hunger, toxic waste or children in Africa. The cause is different but the root is the same. All causes need passion like this. It is what inspires other people to give two rats patooties about something they otherwise couldn’t care less about. I often think that I relate more to people who are passionate about SOMETHING (even if I fall into the rats patootie category about the cause) than those who are indifferent about EVERYTHING.

I am often asked how we do it all. I can see the look in people’s eyes as they ask the question. It is a third happy, a third bewildered and a third concerned. They know we have many clinics and homeless responsibilities. I myself work one full time job and two per diem jobs in addition to my obligations to the homeless. We have three children and other community responsibilities. I know why they are worried and why I am not. The answer is simple. I am compelled. I know that it is not I who is in charge of this master plan. Tenui nec dimmitam- latin for “I have taken hold and I will never let go.” This phrase reminds me to breathe easy, let it go (not the Frozen kind) and have courage.

Caterpillar roar.

I’ve never given a eulogy before. While preparing for his, I realized I really didn’t know much about him, but felt I understood him. The two words that best described him were courage and character. Not usually the first two words that come to mind when picturing a man who made his home in a drainage pipe for almost 5 years. He never left because he said, “It was a good spot.” In fact, none of the homeless providers knew who he was until the day he came into our hospital complaining of abdominal pain. At the time, it seemed like his life was finally turning around. He had a job. After months of trying, he got a job which required an almost 10 mile walk each way daily. He was saving his money and had an apartment picked out closer to his work so he could, “walk to it,” which always made be chuckle when he said it.

“Courage” describes him so well because the day I met him (in the hospital) was the day I told him he had a terminal illness and only a few months to live. He smiled his crooked smile that I would see so much over the next few months, shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Well, I guess that’s the way it goes….. What do I do now?” At first I wasn’t sure he understood what I just said so I repeated it and his reaction made me understand that he did understand, and simply had a degree of bravely rarely seen. He asked me what they would do with him after he dies. I honestly wasn’t sure so I asked what he would like us to do. He said all he wanted was a box with a cross on it but nothing else. He also told me he was Catholic but hasn’t attended church in about 15 years and wanted to know if it was ok to see a priest.

We told some of the local landlords about his situation and helped with getting an apartment for $250 a month so he wouldn’t have to spend his last days in the drainage pipe, no matter how good of a spot it was. He saw me at least weekly in the soup kitchen and was visited by our hospice nurse much more often in his new apartment. We also arranged for him to go into our inpatient hospice unit whenever he wanted, even if it meant his stay could last months, which isn’t the normal procedure for an inpatient hospice unit. He said he would stay out as long as he could so the people who were sicker than him could have the bed. By making that decision, it meant he would continue to struggle finding food daily, walking miles to different soup kitchens even as he grew weaker. I soon learned that his weekly walk to see me at the soup kitchen was the barometer he used to tell him when it was time to enter the hospice unit.

As time went on he grew so weak he could no longer make the walk to see me, was vomiting all food and drink, and was even having trouble getting around his apartment. Also, the heat broke in his apartment—in January—which he said didn’t bother him because he still had a bed and 4 walls, which is more than he had the last 5 year. With his nurses help, we convinced him to go to the hospice unit and he agreed. He wouldn’t go until he cleaned his apartment, packed up all his belongings, and took it to the shelter to give them to someone who needed them. We tried to talk him out of the strenuous task of cleaning when he was barely able to walk but he wouldn’t hear of it. The landlord was so nice to rent to him at such a low price he couldn’t leave the apartment dirty, he said. When I think of his strong character, I consider that for a man who had so little in life, and was now so close to death, his biggest concerns was for the sicker people in the hospital than he, the other homeless who were more in need of clothes than he, and not violating the trust of his landlord who first showed trust in him.

While delivering my eulogy I looked out in the full seats in the funeral home and was struck by how many people he brought together. All of his caretakers and an old acquaintance from high school came to say goodbye with a priest presiding in front of his beautiful box with a cross adorning the top. In the end, he got all he wanted, and we received a lesson of a lifetime.

-BF

The weather has always baffeled me. In a strange way, weather has a way of forcing you into the next phase of the year, ready or not. Saturday had temps in the 90s with humidity so high that it made my normally very straight hair resemble the before shot of an antifrizz hair product commercial. Heavy rains came Saturday night and just like that, Fall arrived. Football, crisp morning air, windows open.  

Last Fall, Brett and I attended our first Street Medicine Symposium in Boston. The Boston Healthcare for the Homeless Program has been the program that all others compare themselves to. It is a huge, well established program that has the most comprehensive programs, resources and street teams. The tentacles of this program seem to reach into all the parks, shelters, hospitals etc. To say we learned a lot would be a stupid understatement.  I recall having a conversation with Dr. Jim O’Connell, president and founding physician of the Boston program.  We were talking about funding (of course) and I said I was amazed at the multi million dollar budget of his program.  He inquired as to the budget of the DeSales Free Clinic and the scope of services. After I told him our annual operating budget was $15,000 he response was ” jeez, we must be doing something wrong if we need so much money”. We then talked about how we operate on limited funds. This is the attitude in Street Medicine – no matter how big or small your program is, fledgling or benchmark status, we can all learn from each other.

A unique feature of these conferences is participating in street rounds with the hosting institution. We really got to see how the pros get it done. I was rounding with a case manager who was looking for one patient in particular- John. She had not been able to find him for the last two weeks and was worried about him. We checked all the usual places that he hung out. We met his street friends who had much to tell us – except for where John was. And so our search continued.

It was about 6pm and downtown Boston was bustling with people leaving work. The streets and the crosswalks were very crowded, horns blaring, quick feet. At a particularly busy intersection, we began to cross just as we see a large dip form in the sea of humanity. As we approached, we saw that our lost patient- John- was right at our feet.  Wheelchair bound, he had lost his balance and tipped right out of his wheelchair and onto the ground. I was impresssed at the number of busy Bostonians who stopped to help him and make sure traffic would not hit him when the light changed to green. We scooped John back into his chair and moved him to the sidewalk. 

John was a rather imposing figure, both in size and in scowl. When you close your eyes and picture a chronically homeless man on a wheelchair, you are likely picturing John. Standing, he was most likely over 6 feet tall. He was wearing many layers of well worn and tattered clothing. He had on an old navy blue winter hat that was a little lopsided so only one eyebrow was showing. He was missing most of his teeth and had a rosy hue to his deeply wrinkled skin. He was not particularly friendly toward me and answered the case managers questions in a short and gruff tone. Yes he had been drinking. No, he didn’t need anything. No, he wasn’t hurt. Then she asked if he was hungry- and for a second, the fiercly guarded wall came down. He was hungry, and thirsty too.  He hadn’t eaten in several days. 

While the case manager went into a Panera Bread, I had a chance to talk to John (or attempt). I started by trying to figure out if he needed anything else since it seemed the peace offering of food had opened the door just a smidge. He told me part of the reason he had a hard time eating despite the available soup kitchens and food vans was that he had a peanut allergy. A severe peanut allergy. Imagine the great lengths moms across America go to in order protect their childreen from inadvertant peanut ingestion. There is even a service through my children’s daycare to find them a playdate with a child whose allergies match your childs ( think match.com but for kids with allergies). Before John, I had never considered what it would be like to have a food allergy on the street. I asked him a few questions about his peanut allergy and then, apparently, crossed the threshold of number of questions allowed.  

I had squatted down to talk to him. Being at the same eyelevel of someone who is wheelchair bound (homeless or not) is extremely important for leveling the playing field. Suddenly, John looked angry. He was nose to nose with me and yelled with a slurred speech, ” Do you reaaaaaaallllllllyyyyy care?” Pause. ” Well, do ya?!” I told him that I really did care. He looked away and muttered, “Well, I don’t know why.” 

There was they key to this whole interaction. Imagine wanting to be helped but feeling inside that you are so worthless that no one in their right mind should want to help you. Therefore, you prophylactically refuse the help because somewhere inside of you, you believe that you are protecting yourself from the inevitable. The dissapointment you will feel when the person decides you aren’t worth it and that they don’t care. Self preservation is a vital survival tool when living on the streets.

We walked with John to a location across town that he liked to hang out ( we had actually been there earlier that day looking for him). He was greeted warmly by his street brothers. A fleeting smile crossed his eyes (but not his lips). As we walked away, I turned back to see John breaking his sandwhich into four pieces – one for him and one for each of his street friends while they passed the bottle of newly purchased lemonade around. A reminder that the parable of the fishes and the loaves is lived every day on the street.